The Not So Secret Shrine in Kabuto's Closet
by DarkNinjaBunneh
Summary: Total crackfic. Title says it all. Don't read if squeamish. Contains some probable OOC-ness. Involves Kabuto, Pedo-chan, and Mr. Emo himself. Story from Kabuto's sort-of POV. Rating due to some not so pleasant indications.


The Not So Secret Shrine in Kabuto's Closet

By: DarkNinjaBunneh

Author's Note: Umm...this story came about in a really strange way. A friend of mine and I were discussing the newest chaper of the Naruto manga, and we somehow ended up on the topic of Kabuto. I called him a pervert, my friend disagreed and called him a pedophile instead. I told him 'You just know that Kabuto's got a shrine to Orochimaru in his closet. And a Sasuke blow-up doll.' He said, 'Kabuto despises Sasuke.' I replied 'Yes, but if he has a Sasuke blow-up doll he can take his frustrations out on him.' Needless to say, I made him choke on his soda. PS: This story (or whatever you want to call it) takes place _before_ Sasuke leaves Sound and Mr. Pedo-chan himself.

Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto, don't you think I'd be hard at work creating new chapters to appease the many fans that make me rich enough to bath in a gold bathtub?**

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Kabuto had been having a hard week. In fact all his weeks hard been hard since _he_ came to Sound. Lately in every meeting he had had with his lord and master (and not so secret object of desire), all Kabuto heard about was 'Sasuke this' or 'Sasuke that' or just plain 'Sasuke!' (please add a moan at your own discretion. Pedo-chan has no inhibitions about his..umm...rather distinct interest in Sasuke).

This lead to Kabuto being one unhappy medic. It didn't help that the rotten Uchiha bitch was strutting around like he owned the place. Although, technically, since Orochimaro _really_ wanted Sasuke's body (in more that one way), Sasuke technically did have run of the place. This made Kabuto want to take one of Sasuke's kunai and shove it in a very unpleasant place, in a way that would make it very difficult to remove.

Alas, it was not to be. Kabuto knew his lord and master would be _very_ upset with him if he made good with his plots. So, this leads us to why Kabuto was pouting on his way to his bedroom. It was a very nice bedroom, this was not why he was pouting. No, the bedroom was one of which many women and gay men would swoon for. It was spacious, with a king-sized bed and a walk-in closet almost as big the Hokage tower in Konoha. The room also had it's own bathroom, with a shower and a bath so large that if Kabuto didn't like his privacy so much, he'd rent it out to the villagers for over-inflated prices. No, this was not why Kabuto was pouting. He was, in fact, pouting because he had been dismissed. Not this was overly unusual. Orochimaru did like his alone time, after all. What was unusual was that Kabuto had been dismissed as soon as Sasuke had walked into the rather large ballroom the two of them had been waltzing in.

This annoyed Kabuto. Usually, if they had a dance lesson Kabuto was allowed to watch so that he could point out the flaws in their (Sasuke's) form(s). That was the reason that Kabuto was stalking down the corridor in a huff. His lips pouting in disappointment and disgust. His being dismissed could only mean one thing: They were playing Candyland without him.

His annoyed huffing and puffing and stomping eventually led him to his bedroom. Without hesitation, he locked the door behind him and stalked into his closet. He slowly made his way into the depths of his closet, past the fur coats and go-go boots. There, just behind his Speedo collection, was his most wonderous treasure: the Orochimaru Shrine. It had taken him many years to manage to snap enough pictures to cover the walls of his closet. Though it hadn't quite taken as long to have the statue carved, a quick threat to a man's family jewels and a quick modification of the memory afterwards was all it took. Surrounding the statue were many candles, the pillars holding them carved to look like the Black Mamba.

Kneeling down in front of the statue, Kabuto quickly said his prayers to the being who ruled his life and dreams, and sniffed the lock of hair he had snitched from Orochimaru after his most recent body transfer before standing up and opening the until then not seen door off to his side. Pulling the door open, Kabuto quickly pulled out 2 items: a voo-doo dolln with a lock of Sasuke's hair pinned to it and a blow-up doll. The doll held a remarkable likeness to the evil little mama's boy currently holding all of Orochimaru's attention (he just had to have the Gumdrop Forest! He had to!).

Many may be asking 'If Kabuto hates Sasuke so much, why does he have a blow-up doll of him?' The answer, my children, is this: Since Kabuto despises Sasuke with every fiber in his being (except one. That last fiber was saved for the faeries who kept eating his cookies. Damn faeries.), what better way to take out his frustrations. And not just his frustrations, but his _frustrations_ if you catch my drift.

So, as Kabuto pulls out his box of pins and needles, we leave him to his violations and voodooism. The rest is all up to your imaginations, because mine would be scarred for life if I continued.

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Author's Note 2: For those out there who are astonished to see a new story, I have to say that I have an excuse. My desktop crashed and I lost not only all my chapters that I had edited, but I also lost all text programs to begind with. Luckily, I just got a laptop that has full capabilities.


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